Observe the Caballeros! The brothers John and Thomas Smith, in Monkish hoods and Artificial whiskers, how they Ride Hard from the Gates of London to the Coast! Our Gallants Hire passage in Dover; New Mounts in Calais: Ho, for Paris! and that great dirty Garrison, Choked with Soldiers, the Court of the King of France, the Palace of the Louvre!  (Their Eagerness such that Smith the Younger falls at least Thrice from his Mount; four Times, according to some Authorities, between Calais and Breteuil.) From a Gallery, one Henrietta Maria is observed, Twirling about a Ballroom amidst Nineteen Maidens; and tho’ interested is Piqued, our Heros tarry not:  they Hearken unto the Horn of a Love More Supreme! On to Bordeaux! Through Guienne , and Gascony (where, the inns Meatless as a Friday among Cistercians, Smith the Younger purchases a Goat, and Dispatches it with a Pistol, Smith Elder having Wrassled it to the Dirt; perhaps a Rustick sort of Masque for the Governing Principles of the Stuarts? Yet we Run Ahead of ourselves.) Bellies Full, they Ford the Bidassoa, and thereby Gain the Plains of Spain. Our Heros reach Madrid, and the Court of His Most Catholic Majesty, Felipe IV, Ruler of the Netherlands, Prince of Portugal, Piombino, and Asturias, on the 17th of March 1623.

Who are these men? What Business hath a Smith in the Gloomy corridors of El Real Monasterio de El Escorial, where Cowled Hieronymites lurk amid Statuary and Stained-glass, in Darkness and Obscurity of doctrine, and with much Chanting, and Incense, consume the Bread of the Credulous multitudes, while Advancing the Interest of the Pope, for whom the Spaniard hath ever been the Sword? They are not Smiths; that is but a Subterfuge, and Part of the Sport, but “sweet boys and virtuous knights” — so called their Dear Old Dad and Gossip (as they Call him). The Younger, or “Baby” to Dad, is None other than Prince Charles Stuart; the Elder, his “humble slave and dog,”  is “Steenie,” the Duke of Buckingham, best friend to Baby. In Steenie’s Future lurk such notable Attainments as the Disaster of Cadiz, the Failed Attack on the Spanish Treasure Fleet; and most Wretched, the Shameful Collusion with Richeliu to Attack the Huguenots of France at La Rochelle and St Martin-de-Re (let us pause, and thank Christ, that the Dagger of Felton rid England of this Bumbling Curse). Steenie is also  Counselor, and Friend, nay, more than Friend, a Friend of Special Significance ("I naturally so love your person, and adore all your other parts, which are more than ever one man had"), to Dear Old Dad; who Careful Readers will have Concluded  is none but James Stuart, a Scotchman who by certain Accidents of Blood came to Occupy the Throne of England. Baby is in Spain Seeking a Friend of Special Significance; he differs from Dad and Steenie in that the Object of his Quest is a Woman, to wit, the Infanta, Donna Maria, the daughter of Felipe IV, Dread Catholic Majesty of Spain, Prince of Piombino, etc.

True-hearted Englishmen will today, as Then, be Justifiably Baffled, nay Outraged, that an English Prince would seek to Unite with a Princess of the Power that through the Marriage of Felipe II, her Grandfather, to Bloody Mary, Instituted the Terror of the Inquisition in England, burning Cranmer, and Latimer, and Hundreds more, at the Stake, after the Cruellest Tortures; Mary dying, Launched the Armada against Elizabeth; that failing, Sought to have her Assassinated; that failing, provided Catesby and Fawkes with Powder to Blow up Parliament; and had, amongst Other Miseries, Cruelties, Mischiefs, and Crimes it would take all the Paper in England to Catalogue, Most Lately driven Frederick Elector Palatine, Husband of Baby's sister, from his Rightful place as Prince of Bohemia. True-hearted Englishmen will Today, as Then, be Correct in concluding from this Brief Survey of History, that an Englishman's best Address to the Spaniard is not the Pitching of Woo, and Alliances, but Cuffs and Blows, with Cutlass and Sword; Pistol, Musket and Cannon, wherever We might find him: his Armies in the Low Countries, and Germany; his Settlements in the Indies and America, where they Torment the Savages for Silver; or better their Treasure Fleets, as they Convey the Sinews of Absolutism to the monastic Court in Madrid.

Not so James, the IV of Scotland and the I of England. Perhaps, as a Scotchman, his view of the World was more Subtle, or more Expansive, than that of a mere Englishman; as was Certainly the Case in his View of the Bedchamber. James I Congratulated himself as a Man of Peace; he wished for All to be Friends of Special Significance, United in Admiration of His Parts! Thus, James by Baby would consummate an Alliance with Felipe, and Obtain Peace; one Happy Issue of which, it was not Unreasonable to for him to Expect, would be an Annuity, in Perpetuity, of Spanish Coin; thus Helping to Support the riotous Antics of his Court, and the Scotchman he brought to London.  Felipe, for his Part, would Lever the Marriage Vows, into a Restoration of the Popish System of Religion, and imposition of the Spanish System of Government, in England; the Suppression of the Protestant Cause; a Harrying of the godly and Industrious from the land, to the Low Countries, to the Colonies of America; a Ruination of Trade by Monopolies, and Taxes, and such Devices; a Thorough Regulation of every Portion of Life by Rules, and Rituals, and Superstition; and England, thus Exhausted, Pushed at point of Pike, into the Camp of the Antichrist, and its Universal Sovereign, the Bishop of Rome.  This Argument was of no mean Suasion to the Infanta, a princess of Renowned Piety whose Conscience she had fully Surrendered to the constant Scrutiny and Molding of Jesuits.

And what of Baby? A tremulous, thin boy with a Stutter, he had grown up Ignored, beneath the Shadow of the beloved Prince Henry; yet who, Despite his Foolish Father, and Hysterical Mother, had developed into a Youth of Intellect, and Skill as Horseman, and Rigorously Moral; who, to the Profit Side of his Ledger, found Noxious the Drunken Anarchy of the Court of Dear Dad; the Dad whose love he Craved, and Approval sought; even while Despising (again to his Credit) Dad's unwholesome Passion for Steenie, among Others: — that is to say, Baby, still a Youth, and subject to the Whims of that Age, found in this Scheme a sort of Romanse with which Spaniards amuse themselves, when not groveling before altars, or butchering hapless savages, or plotting the Destruction of England, or devising new Rules to Meddle in yet another Aspect of Life; and become, Maybe, the very Type of Romanticall Hero represented in the Paintings by Dutchmen and Florentines of which he was already a renowned Collector.

And so it may have Been,  but for a certain Accident of Time, or, maybe, Steenie’s Failure to Consult the Calendar before the Boys departed; in a Lifetime of Terrible judgments, likely the Sole one to accrue to England’s benefit. Our Knights arrived in Felipe’s Court in the Season of Lent; during which time the Papists Grovel before their Confessors (rather, grovel at a greater Frequency than usual); submitting all Private Thoughts and Humors to Jesuitical Analysis; the Priests determine what is Permitted, and what Not; and amidst Fevered Obeisance, and Banging of Foreheads upon Plinths; and prayers to Saints, and Fingerings of Beads and Relics, the Priests Take upon themselves the Year’s sins, and Grant Pardon. The Infanta, closeted daily with the Dissectors and Cleansers of her Conscience, was unable to receive Charles’ suit. Alas for Baby’s Romantical Hopes!

But come! Such disappointment is yet weeks away. Let us with Baby delight in the Magnificence of the Spanish Court. Olivarez and Gondomar hath prepared a Great Procession -- come, let us Stand along El Camino Real, and Cheer the English Prince, Suitor of the Infanta! Here comes Baby, beneath a Canopy carried by Twenty-four Grandees of Spain, each Dressed in Cloth-of-Gold. Drums beat, trumpets Blare; Surpliced bishops Chant the Old Tongue of the Caesars. Madrid is Garlanded in his Honor; the Queen Gives him a Golden Bowl that requires the Strength of Two to lift. That night, and for two nights thereafter, are Fireworks; and Torchlit processions; and Spaniards Slaughtering bulls for Sport in the Ring; and Songs and Poems by Lope de Vega, and Crowds cheering. There is Beauty here, there is Order, so Unlike the Squalid Court of Dear Old Dad. The Rules and the Rituals create a World like unto his Florentine paintings, without Grubs, or Dirt, or Drunkenness, or Pox; a Perfect world without Weeping, or Sorrow, or Pain. A world of Tranquility, and Joy; where all sing, and Dance, and Caper, are Fed and Watered, their Consciences tended by the Long-Suffering Priests, beneath the Beneficent Gaze of the King. Baby hath Found his Love.